Everything you ever wanted is on the other side

Greetings from St. Louis!

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As a second clarinetist in the Cincinnati Symphony for many years, it's rare to guest in other orchestras - either it's difficult to get leave or you're not known and hence, invited.

So when the email came from St. Louis to play guest principal...

I had a choice to make.

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Yes!! Or, Pass.

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Alright all you sleuths, the "greetings from St. Louis" probably gave it away. So, I said yes and I'm currently writing this from my hotel room looking out at the Arch and buildings you see in the photos above. The photos show it was a gorgeous few days, but what I truly had to weather was my own internal flow of endless thoughts.

"You're not a principal player."
"You're a fraud."
"You're sound is too small."
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"What if I mess up."
"What am I doing?"
"Why aren't people saying hi to me?"
"I must sound terrible."
"They'll never hire me again."

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It's been incredibly challenging and uncomfortable.

So then... has it been a bad week?

Despite the "what will they think" internal dialogue, it's been an amazing experience on many levels. When I said "yes" I knew it'd be an out-of-my-comfort-zone experience. Not having "principal chops" I had to think bigger and play bigger than I normally do.

Did I present a perfect, flawless, polished me? No.
Did I have flubs? Yes.
Did I revert to playing small? Yup.
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But here's what I realized.

• While your 'shadow' self has the loudest voice, your 'super' self is quietly bringing out your best
• You can hold two equally strong emotions at the same time
• You can play well despite / alongside / even with the shadow's narrative
• Leaning into your full resonant voice helps you quiet the mind and keep singing the music
• When you shift into a mode of sharing vs. proving, what "they think" is neutralized
• People aren't thinking about you as much as you imagine they are - most of the time they're lost in themselves (fact)!

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Tools like breathwork, centering, and body alignment in addition to mind work has helped me say "yes" and embrace challenges like the one I had this week. I'm using tools like this every single day, and I want this for you too!

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I'll leave you with one final thought: Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear (words of George Addair). Going to the edge of your abilities (or what you think they are) then going a little past them to see that you are more capable than you think - - this is the real reward!

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Let me know what you're currently braving, and if we can help!

❤️

Cheering for you,

Ixi