From Anxiety to Agency for Musicians

January brought a lot of reflection for me.

Over the past month, I spent time at CCM’s chamber music intensive, the Sphinx Conference in Detroit, with the Civic Orchestra of Chicago, and supporting Ted through a CSO cello audition in Cincinnati. In all of those spaces, I kept noticing the same thing: musicians showing up for each other.

And in a season where so many people are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or uncertain, that sense of community mattered deeply.

When I was preparing a career talk for a group of young orchestral musicians, I originally planned to talk about portfolio careers, artistic growth, and redefining practice. But the more I sat with everything happening around us, the more I realized the conversation needed to go somewhere deeper.

Agency.

The ability to make choices with intention instead of becoming passive to circumstances.

One of my biggest takeaways from Sphinx was noticing that the most fulfilled musicians weren’t necessarily the ones with the “perfect” careers. They were the people building multifaceted lives: teaching, performing, creating, advocating, collaborating. They stopped waiting for permission and started building paths that reflected who they actually were.

And many of them had faced enormous barriers along the way. Instead of letting those obstacles define them, they turned them into fuel for change.

What I hoped the Civic Orchestra members would take away?
That agency starts with nervous system regulation. That it's a muscle that has to be built. That is starts with recognizing and celebrating your multitudes. That you:

✓ Ask “How will I make this work?” instead of “Will I make it?”
✓ Treat overlooked talents as real professional skills
✓ Describe yourself with “and,” not limitations
✓ Find the qualities that make you distinct
✓ Remember that careers today look more like an atlas than a single map

In music, we often grow up idolizing the biggest stages and biggest moments. And yes, those experiences can be extraordinary. But some of the most meaningful moments happen quietly — in classrooms, rehearsals, conversations, and small communities.

That shift — from fighting anxiety to building agency — changes everything.

And Ted's audition? [He wrote about the whole experience here — link] including what it's like to walk into a room where you've sat for two decades and play behind a screen for colleagues who know you like a family member. As I mentioned in my letter 2 weeks ago, he's living the possibilities. He played mock auditions for people he's sat next to for decades, like he was back in music school. Remember those music school practice sessions? Our little CSO tribe is ❤️

So here's my invitation to you:

You have permission to feel anxious and still move forward.

You have permission to start small.

You have permission to build a career that sustains you instead of one that simply impresses other people.

And you have permission to see yourself as a full professional now — not someday in the future when you finally “arrive.”

Because you are already becoming the person you’re waiting for.

xo,

-Ixi